FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. No. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC Losing the . July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! Sometimes those things just happen. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. YUCK. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. it seems to . In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. THIS. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady temperance The comments seem to be about split on this issue. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. This is actually not difficult. Great lesson to learn from your dad. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. I cried myself to sleep. Also, help them find a mutual interest. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Well done, as always, my friend. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. I think you are probably right. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? I know that we all love the music from our generation. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. Up to a point. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. EVER. findingtheearth He's always putting him down. i ask my son to pay 250.00 a month to pay car insurance and cell phone. I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. (I threw it all up and cried. I can't even. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). Unless you are from PA, of course. He would watch Full House or something with us. Maybe not, though. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. bittergaymark He let us put makeup on him. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. Hes putting her down. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. She may still resent her father and you! Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. As always, your anonymity is golden. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. Interested in science? July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. What is this site, a Masters program? The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. She cant meet him halfway if he is putting her down. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. No. bittergaymark This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. Hes embarrassing her. Definitely. And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!! Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. I was so annoyed! Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. No. He thinks it's ridiculous. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. But I agree with everything else you said. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Is It True? I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. We are this little team of 2. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. My comment obviously wasnt clear. Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. . I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Which is exactly why she wrote in. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. lets_be_honest bittergaymark This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! I strongly agree with this. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. Forget it. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. The LWs husband sounds like my father. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. I think this is a great point. lets_be_honest WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. I watched it when I was a kid. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. Haha! Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. Aaaaah! We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. But mom, dont do the us versus him. Addie Pray Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. Did I love that stuff? I just dont get it. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. My husband's daughter is coming to visit. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. There are many things I love about my husband. Mommy and daddy love each other. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. But he can be a great dad regardless. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Will he ever change? She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. What is arguable? Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Nip . If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. No. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? Shes all the better for it. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) Terms & Conditions . 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Encourage her to have fun with him. I am a much better, well adjusted adult because he did this instead of pretending to like whatever show I was watching at the time. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Do not let that behavior continue. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. Im dying for new people to follow! I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. "I cant win for losing. I have to just try harder.. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. Settlers of Catan! I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. 6napkinburger She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. How are those pre-teen interests? Hey, that kind of worked for me. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. I would call that well-rounded. Older and (hopefully) wiser He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Of course its going to drive her away from him. Manchester United bidders move to the next stage of takeover process', Remo Freuler admits Everton's visit is biggest game of season for Forest. lets_be_honest Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former.