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Immediately after I saw my Turd for what he was, I had and still have , absolutely NO FEELINGS for him whatsoever. 1) would have been to be seen. I never much liked dating as such. How do you keep stuffed peppers from getting watery? Maybe thats why Im always married, lol. And the ones who arent so pretty are the ones I get to meet! Its like they say, misery loves company. She does not want your friendship. Nothing special just a normal business contact. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? The cheater can't or won't disclose why they cheated. They might be narcissistic or sociopathic. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. I know sometimes when I write about the ow in my life, I get so frustrated and upset, after a while. She cheated for 15 months behind my back while pregnant all the while pretending our life was normal. He told the ow about those too. My h said I dont care if you stay or go because you need to fix this inside yourself. Do I feel bad about myself due to this? Maybe he doesnt think he will ever get caught so he doesnt see the harm in continuing both the affair and his marriage. Over 60% of men who have an extramarital affair, however, say they never seriously imagined . Serial cheaters dont think cheating is as big of a deal as one-time cheaters do. Yet he still helped out. A cheater never takes the blame on themselves. He wasnt a thief or beater,either. Or is the emotional damage just too deep? He has always kind of been a flirt when I take my youngest to see him, even though he is married. He stands to lose too much if he leaves. Your eating patterns are disturbed. It does not store any personal data. Even after confrontation they want to stay in marriage and make marriage work Just as you were taught not to judge a book by its cover, it's near impossible to look someone in the eye and, in just one glance, know they're a cheater. Yet often, a cheaters reasons for cheating have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their personality traits! According to Graber, applying an armchair diagnosis, such as a fear of commitment or a sex addiction is an easy way for them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. So being friendly and having people on her side would have helped, I think. So what should you do if your cheating husband wants to stay married to you? Its such an insane situation on so many levels yet you, who are the innocent one, has had to bear the brunt of the pain. Victims of cheating narcissists tirelessly look for concrete proof, but you could try for years without catching a slip-up. Your actions dont have to match your words. Cheaters are impulsive, and can't resist taking that risk despite what it might cost them. He has reeled it in a lot over the years in terms of being more cautious around women. Do not give one single day to cousin It and her selfishness and meanness. I dont care what end of the stick you are on. Your heart must have been broken. 2. If thats the case then my bad. You are far too nice and here is why I say you are too nice: your ex-affair partner has his issues and it is apparent that you feel sorry for him in a way that takes the focus off you having to meet your own needs. But, I am glad you are standing up for yourself by removing yourself from the situation. Typically, most married men who are serial cheaters begin to groom their intended target by showering them with compliments, acting as a shoulder to lean on, or even going so far as to bring them . They may feel neglected or unappreciated. BTW we have had the no opposite-sex rules of no lunches, no texting without disclosure of whats going on, but he does not ever at all follow the rules except the lunch one. But it really was. But, anytime I have dropped into work to leave homemade cookies and cakes for the staff, I do not get a lonely for another couple vibe from her at all. Ex: is he sending mixed signals by holding her off but also enjoying the attention? Once they get so entangled in the affair and all the talk about each others misery in the primary relationships fuels and perpetuates the affair. Though this is written using a man as an example, the traits would apply to women as well. Serial cheaters are good at avoiding established patterns or routines in a relationship, Kevin Darn, dating expert and author of My Cat Won't Bark! You are a good person, dont ever think your not, and dont ever think your not deserving of a happy marriage with your h, because you are. I just have NO tolerance for those that continue to run roughshod through their own lives, wreaking havoc on others with no impunity is when I get all judgmental. And I told him I felt the same way about him. "Cheaters often say things such as: My partner doesn't like to do what I like to do in bed.' Weight loss and improvement in your appearance (sign ). I had very little outside experience, but always suspected he was not very good in bed, and I was right. Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. Any information gives her power. I mean is there ever a story about affair partners saying oh yeah my wife is lovely, shes beautiful, successful, a wonderful lover, great mother, I just like screwing other people on the side and lying to her. They have to believe her sob story and she has to believe his. The most common reason is unmet needs in their marriage. "So when they talk about it, they will make it seem like it's not such a big deal." You hear us lash out at the ow, that caused so much pain to us, and you dont take it personally, which I am so glad about. A colossal waste of time. Low tolerance for deferring gratification: This guy has to have everything now and he cannot see how current actions effect future outcomes. Narcissists smell that out just like sharks smell blood. You will be taking steps to put a stop to this and you dont want to find out from Her that he has been flirting back or encouraging her attention in many way. And in some cases, their family may even be threatened if they got a divorce, so they stay married to avoid that. She forgave him once, twice, three times, surly he wouldnt think she was dumb enough to forgive him again? One thing I wanted to get out there, was not all ow have the upper hand over the wife. . The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". However, it might provide at least some cold comfort to know the nature of what you are dealing with so that you can leave with a little confidence that you are taking the right steps. One point for the good guys! If I were her, I would have probably called you to hear your side. She claims that he is the sole heir to a banking fortune. In my free time, I'm usually traveling, hiking, or trying a new kind of tea. I saw the good in you, and I could see how desperately you wanted to seek help. Unless they legitimately have a problem they're seeking treatment for, this may not be true. So why do people keep cheating? Nor do I need them to know everything about me. He may feel that his marriage is over and thats why he cheated. I guarantee he would have been whistling a different tune. But if you've caught your partner once and you're wondering if they're going to do it again, these habits can help you figure out which category of cheater they fall under. She suspected him and told my h that she had noticed him becoming detached and different for some time and had decided to keep a look out. Its still cheating, of course but marriage makes all the difference to me. I would tell her that you and your husband will be forced to seek advice from HR if she does not stop this behavior immediately. Do not friend this woman but do let her know youre on to her. Thankfully he finally opened his eyes. If this type of personality enters into an affair and loves the feeling, it is highly unlikely he will go back to faithful behavior. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. He said his wife SUSPECTED hed had an affair and he said she did something really clever. All Rights Reserved 2022 Theme: Promos by. ?, ignoring tasks I set up for, BTW she reported to me, always trying to subtly undermine me to get to him. And being cheated on has lasting effects. There is really no room for getting to know someone one-on-one. Thankyou Sarah, but honestly its ok. Behavioral baseline & past actions: Peoples past actions usually dictate future behavior. These ow, who claim to be a good caring person, one that is praises herself to be a wonderful mother, yet does not care about the young children whos lives she tears apart, because her needs are more important and above that of the mms children. Typical behaviors of a narcissist can include attention-grabbing behavior on social media. It's easy to do because they're eerily good at it. Now Im married, Im even more bemused as to how my (married) AP could live with himself. They will. How and why did it end and who ended it? People from all sorts of backgrounds and with all types of personality are capable of cheating. All the pieces just started to fit together nicely. Amen. So that is his part of it. But I think this charming behavior has been going on for a long time with female vendors or customers. 3. Once they start making you doubt yourself, it could be a sign your partner is trying to get inside your head and make it so that you blame yourself for their "needing" to cheat. It helps that his other girlfriend started smashing his windows and slashing his tires and keeping him on a tight rope. On the other hand, they still prefer a safe and comfortable marriage life. Im sure she was trying to move in on him. Hoffman suggests you "give them your password logins, share a calendar, over-communicate about your comings and goings. My inlaws avoid me since Im a cold bitch who wont go to funerals etc, nor do my kids want to go. PPS- I will certainly be the first to say it took a long time to actually see my affair partner for his true self. Cheaters become addicts, and just like my friend John the crackhead and how he remembered the exhilaration of the high of the drug and just couldnt resist going back to the gutter, the OW may be out of their life and tossed to the curb like yesterdays trash, they will always remember the exhilaration of the high they get. Have to weigh in on this string bc I have the exact same problem. Sounds like a lot of what you are describing about yourself is standard introversion, which is a very valuable characteristic. I think he told you that emotional crap line to make sure you didnt tell his secret. So many people have been affected by this mess, and theres a 6 year old whos going to have it the worst. Over half of all cheaters cited enhancing their self-esteem as a motivating factor. I remember saying Ive learned a lot myself and about myself too. Im sure she thought because my H had had an affair he would be easy picking so I caught her many times trying to make small talk. "Serial cheaters are often unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others,"says Alsaleem. He was way to friendly and was just lapping up all the attention with their seeking him out for his business acumen. If you do remain with the serial cheater, here are some points to think about. I know its not exactly what youre saying but I was no innocent victim ! The crunch came when he sent me a public Facebook message on my holiday saying how quiet it was and they all missed me. said cheating is subjective because different people have different boundaries. Yep he was stupid enough to invite the camel into the tent. They cheat- thats their partners fault! I wish HR honchos had to read it. So why do cheating husbands stay married? We talked openly on fb a lot (sign). [deleted] 6 mo. But, of course, they keep doing it and they don't change. He had gone to rehab, found God, found a wonderful beautiful woman, had a successful business and yet through all the positive things that he had in his life and also realized what he had lost previously, he managed to find his way back to the gutter. Is It Cheating If Youre Not Official? Do dogs get worse before they get better with parvo? Because if you say 21 years, you acknowledge that she has played a hurtful role in your life, and thats a tiny win for her. Cousin It definitely has character flaws and why he would choose to hook his wagon up to that should make you want to look more closely at your husbands own flaws and weakness not the weakness in your marriage. In the history of the world, it hasnt happened. This often ends. "Now you're not sure when you're going to see or hear from your partner. I think a lot of cheaters dont care if they get caught or not. Well, if said husband has a family, he may want to stay in order to protect the well-being of his children. But, then, be forewarned that repeatedly you will most likely suffer more of the same. Do you think you had different reasons for entering into it than your affair partner did? Eventually that all dies down, but even though you might not be showering one another with the same attention or affection that you were at the start of it all, typically, Nothing a cheater does is your fault, but the second. "People who say a cheater can't change have never felt the awful guilt that comes when you realize you've . I cannot help him or otherwise solve his issues and I am now releasing him to a higher power. Answer (1 of 6): We get stuck in the cycle of abuse. Especially those who have been caught before and not tossed out on their ass. Because you havent taken strong steps: Some people are just cheating because their partner hasnt taken any strong steps against them. They only thing I would add is, take the bitch back to the parking lot and beat the crap out of her!!! On the topic of serial cheaters, I have always been completely baffled as to why my AP was the way he was. If you've been cheated on, you've probably wondered why your partner made that hurtful decision in the first place. Get a confession: While . I would show up unexpectedly and calmly tell her that she needs to stop. He continues to cheat. 1. The difference is I dont BLAME you for anything. The lengths that this guy would go to were more skilled than almost anything I had seen or read about. High sensation seeker/loves adrenaline driven situations: He loves jumping out of planes, he dreams about racing fast cars, he is saving money for a solo expedition up Mt. Addictive behavioral tendencies: He could be a diagnosed sex-addict, or he may just be an alcoholic or recreational drug-user. He enjoys the thrill of the double life, 9. Apologies for the delay. But, I can bet you money that if he would have left to be with her, just being with her would be a hell worse than anything Dante could have imagined. Using a licensed therapist as a sounding board as you work your way towards a decision will be the best move you can make in this situation. But a locked phone especially, You might recall this trick of the trade from the 2006 teen dramedy "John Tucker Must Die," but apparently the three-time cheater's strategy of calling his three girlfriends "baby" and "sweetheart" wasn't just clever writing, it's a legitimate tactic cheaters use to make sure they aren't mixing up your name with their. Anyway he invested heavily and even took on a partner. Yet today is the day. She knows men like that about some woman. He is not worth your mental energy. Hi Sarah. The guy was not married either. It has almost been a year from the discovery of the first affair back in Oct 2021. Well she was also very stupid because once I saw it and her ineptitude she was gone. Yes, ladies, this guy can appear to be really exciting. Once he saw me, he was covered in guilt, and must have thought that he was in too deep to ever think I would want to keep him. Thats the truth. I was new to the job and he was a tease and a flirt. But since he was too chicken to man up and put his family first and deal with his mess as soon as he knew it was a mess, here I am. Covert narcissists will also use more passive-aggressive methods of manipulation as opposed to overt narcissists who will create chaos openly. "It might really be just what you want to hear and not the truth," she says. Each and every one of the men I've met who fall into this category realize that if their wife discovered their infidelity that she would be very . You replay loops in your mind, perhaps scenes of what youve discovered, or imagine scenes of what you will discover if you dig deep enough. Thanks again for your honesty and your perspective. Oh yeah I think he saw the light but I think its because Mrs. MM said look here you tosser (LOL like that, its English, I know get your crazy self to rehab or Im divorcing you this time and taking EVERYTHING! "They can look you in the eye and say things such as: What a long day at work,' when they were actually with another person. "It's . What I gave her each time was a test to see if she had the guts to face me one-on-one for coffee. This is a list of personality traits that might pre-dispose someone to an affair. What it boils down to is opportunity, lack of personal moral code, and a great talent for lies, manipulation and entitlement. The girlfriend of a married narcissist will hear a myriad of excuses for why he hasn't gone through with a divorce, all based around plausible deniability . Long way, and you have been so insightful too. Again, it's a time of wild sex fuelled by this pain and the emotiona. I also prefer alone time, despise talking on the phone & texting, would rather listen than talk, love to read, cook, garden, watch movies by myself. He was smiling and making small talk and invading my personal space. That is the only way to be since trying to fix someone ultimately ends in frustration and bitterness. Anyhow I think Im going to take a break but Ill probably be back tomorrow ha! Me wondering wtf I had done. You doubt everything your spouse has ever told you. I accepted who he was, good parts and annoying parts. Like they say here in the US, Money talks and bullshit walks! Oh Eyes, I am so, so sorry if I made you feel bad You know that was NOT my intention. Its not the marriage, its whos in the other half of the marriage. Others cheat simply out of boredom.