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Will he react the same? My boyfriend broke up with me when I was 10 weeks pregnant. I think this post must have been linked somewhere, hence all the men defenders, out to protect a mans right to have indiscriminate sex without consequences. I love the argument that the women receiving child support are just sipping margaritas all day while getting mani/pedis on this income. P.S. Furthermore, why does this child need two parents? I asked him why and never got a response back, ever. I think that is fair. So your boyfriend said he wants nothing to do with his own child (except the required child support) and that didnt make you run screaming the other way? After dating him for about 3 months, she got pregnant with his baby. How fast his new relationship is moving. Anytime you have sex, theres a chance you could get pregnant, no matter how careful you are. And the world goes round. She didnt roofie him, Chuck. Hey I have a novel idea. Jimmy and Susie are in love. His girlfriend got pregnant, they got engaged, realized they didnt work as a couple, they decided it was in the best interest of the child if he was not a part of her life in any way, shape, or form, and so he signed some legal documents waiving all parental rights to the child, which absolved him of any responsibility to provide child support. Changing the facts and then arguing them is just as useless as creating facts and arguing those whether you admit to it or not. And if so, Im ready. If youre going to have casual sex, there are some things you can leave to the goodwill of others and some where youve gotta be a little bit proactive. I get what youre saying. I feel no connection to my biological siblings, even though they desire a relationship with me. CollegeCat Well, its possible that he didnt know her at all, but then after coitus he began to get to know her and things went downhill from there. He could be upset (and who wouldnt be) if he didnt want it but she was keeping it anyway. If he didnt get tested prior to running back to the LW then yes, he did expose her to STDs. Girls can get caught up in emotions and run wild with feels sometime devilish innocent Established Member Established Members My Ex-girlfriend says she misses me. You cant live without food. Really!? Second, regardless of what sort of cretin this dude is, the baby mama is no better. We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. April 9, 2012, 9:19 pm, Note I said 99% of PEOPLE in that situation, not women. April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. Not your body, not your choice. Only a valid argument of youre completely unaware of how babies are made and that birth control does not prevent pregnancy but only reduces the likelihood. But thats a crime?. Everyone in this situation sounds like they belong on Jerry Springer. Having unprotected sex is not a crime, but if you have sex without a condom with someone you dont know or trust entirely yet, you need to know that there is the possibility a child could be conceived, either by accident or deception. While youre at it make sure to pop out a few more kids yourself, too. One of the draw backs of only knowing someone for a short period of time. There is no 100 percent way to prevent pregnancy. I dont think that this necessarily has to end you, but I would think long and hard about continuing to be involved with a 40 year old man who is unable to take responsibility for his actions. You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. Shed be less of a real woman if she left the kid on its fathers doorstep and went off footloose and fancy-free while he was left to raise it all alone. Because, since you cannot prevent pregnancy and you cannot prevent sexual transmission of disease, I see no other way to look at it. But it is probably fair to say I hate the over-the-top modern feminism you appear to espouse. This discussion sure got crazy though! Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. 60+ years on this ball-o-dirt and witnessing the madness going on around this place, as well as being an honest-to-God Christian. His anger is unwarranted unless its directed at himself. They Didn't "Win". 6napkinburger Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. Do you know how much day care alone is a month? April 9, 2012, 9:55 am. I love your snark this morning!! Image Source. I think that one should be able to decide if one is ready to be a parent and, if not, make that clear when there is time to abort the pregnancy. Although I cant decide if shes purely a straight-up C.U.N.T. Coke bottle explodes taking off your arm = coke pays. And he has agreed to support the child financially. I just found out that someone he had slept with before we got back together is pregnant. We met up again and my family grew fond of him finally. April 10, 2012, 5:46 pm. All we know is that she wants to have the baby- maybe because shes prepared to be a wonderful parent. But not usually. Where the issue comes in is who physically is around the child more, which is placement, which though there has been progress tends to err on the side of the mother still, with all other things being equal. A scumbag? Its not the situation, but the way its written. April 10, 2012, 12:00 am. Abandoning a child does. Theyre young but are certain that theyll be together forever. Please help. Well, ok. April 12, 2012, 2:47 am. Having read some of the (ahem) well-reasoned responses to my post (and your response), I realize the interwebs are probably not the best place to argue the merits of paternity law. We are so in love with eachother and are with eachother all the time. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt.! Abortion and adoption are both horrifying thoughts to Susie but she has no choice. He could be imaginary. Hi guyssssss,I wanted to share a storytime video with you guys since it has a lot to do with the reason I moved to LA and a lot to do with who I am today!Sid. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I do think that in their blind rage, some of the commenters have backed themselves into the position that men become the property of any woman they sleep with, as well as their exs. Ive done that on a number of occasions. Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. First of all, it can take a bad psychological toll on someone who doesnt want to have it in the first place. She has decided to keep the baby and that is not his choice and CERTAINLY not yours. Idiots like the guy in the letter, dont. This dude intends to contribute to the childs life financially, but in no other ways, which seems vastly unfair to the child. They are babies. Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions without relying on you to rescue him. honeybeenicki Merely that it is an immense expense for the man for a situation that he didnt want a situation which, as I said, the woman is never forced to endure. Sounds like he found something easy, and easy cost a lot.money and happiness. guys..youre not gonna get anywhere with this one. Who deserves to have the two people who were responsible for bringing it into the world both contributing to support it. If the baby mama wants to keep the baby, its her decision. I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. Its not that bad (though Ill take an IUDs 0.6%, thanks). As for not wanting anything to do with her or her child, Im guessing that is momentary anger directed at her, not the child. So, in your opinion, anyone who has sex without wanting to get pregnant is an idiot? lets_be_honest Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. and our Bottom line. She left me for him and and now wants me back. Any woman who cant see the pleasure in such a sacrifice is too selfish to be in a relationship. For the love of all things holy are you deliberately obtuse or truly lacking in basic comprehension? So much that he demanded his interim girlfriend get an abortion. If this is the case then your friend is in the clear because he has no legal responsibility any more. But I have no tolerance for the ones who cry foul after the fact when it hasnt gone their way. Plus Ive noticed that the more calm and rational you keep your comment, the less likely the truly crazies ones are to even respond to you at all. If you are a woman, if you just met a guy, and if you become pregnant, you can get 20+ years of child support. Its her body, there is a million reasons she might choose to have this child, even if she never so much as speaks to your prince again. Just as the guy needs to respect the ladys decision to keep it. Sure. The law does not say men need to be financially responsible if the woman decides he should be. He has a choice he can be a father and split the responsibility with the mother instead of forcing her to have sole responsibility. April 9, 2012, 8:26 pm. April 9, 2012, 12:55 pm, Im sure there are many, many women who would argue that its not all rainbows and butterflies in attaining child support. It is due to his own stupidity if he thought that a single sexual encounter could not produce a child, that birth control pills would definitely prevent him from impregnating someone or that he could legally opt out if a pregnancy occurred. Even if shes annoying, shes more than a hole for him to stick it in, and it would bother me to know my BF had just used another human being as a glorified masturbatory aid. My issue is even, at the very least, if you dont want to wear a condom.then pull out!!! Thats the way it has to be. The pill doesnt stop ovulation in all women. That is a WAY better scenario than I mentioned above which would be an in and out dad who pays zilch and really fucks the kids head up. Or pining away for a father figure theyll never, ever have? This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. Go on about it all you want though. Ill never in a million years get it. He is not the end all and be all. My sister has 3 birth control babies. I meant post living with HIV that as a correction in that I left the with HIV out of my previous post. Now, yes, people will say: Forgive him. The last time I checked it took more than one person to make a baby. I dont think hed be right to be furious in many possible scenarios that would still fit what was said in this letter, but there are ones that would which I think would cause justifiable fury. But there is no ensuring that the child is cared for in an adoption. React. THERE IS NO CHILD AT CONCEPTION. You are arguing for NO abortion in cases of rape.. He told me he will obviously be paying for it but wants nothing to do with her OR the baby. Wellyeah. Everything is he: He is in love with you, so in love that he humped another woman; so in love that he wanted to kill a baby to be with you. Her body, her choice, he had NOTHING to do with it. I think its more like HIV sufferers are more likely to be honest about how they got it because there isnt a societal blind eye for bullshitting about your personal responsibility for ending up in the predicament. She isnt a woman he wants to be with his entire life. Seriously, no wonder so many of are all too stupid to understand where babies come from. Recently he ended the affair and told this woman to have no further contact. What kind of person he got into a new relationship with. So the man in there He should probably act responsibly too. Bottom line. Dudes inner-monologue consists of the word Fuck clouded by that ringing noise you get after leaving a concert. It's like she's a completely different person. I know plenty of women who are exemplary parents. It was unplanned and a . only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created.. MOA, and wash your hands of the whole thing. This is why homosexual couples have to adopt. Well, they dont entirely disregard fairness to the mother and/or father, but the childs interests take precedent. They dont want to have spirited logical debate, they want to vent and lash out at people. We still cant quite manage partheogenesis or budding. The only one who we know is expecting him to be a father is the letter writer. Im not saying its a trivial thing, but its nothing compared to birth. I dont know whats causing all this rancor, RR, but its surely not just the letter. I think the LW comes across as bitter and resentful and would rather blame the other woman, making her out to be the villain, than to admit that she and her ex really might not belong together. As for you LW, Im not even sure exactly what youre asking. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. I dont mean to gush but seriously LBH, I respect you and your opinions a lot on the matter and thanks for making me question my gut responses a bit with your candor! But being on the pill is not akin to saying I will choose to have an abortion should a pregnancy occur. Your choice. He said while I was away he tried to get over me with someone else and now shes pregnant with his son. I get owning up to your responsibilities in an unwanted pregnancy, but you cant really think that is going through every non-idiot males mind when he gets ready to have sex. So, she went out, hooked up with someone she knew briefly (which a lot of people do) and accidently got pregnant. I would suggest that the man under discussion would not be sponge-worthy. His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. Maybe because she wants something to love. Your ilk will perish from a lack of procreation. I just think its extremely scumbag-ish to want nothing to do with your child, no matter how it was conceived. Youre all about putting consequeces on her choice to keep the baby what about his consequences? My above reenactment was not a true depiction of the dialogue I believe took place. Thats true Yankee vernacular. savannah It doesnt make sense. If it is his child, he owes the child at least something. If you were instrumental in the making of the child congratulations it is yours. Now, again, I dont see why it is so hard to let him go, and why you cant move on. Its a good word. What is he supposed to do to prove hes not scum? Has a great job. The key if you do decide to engage- keep it as civil and reasoned as possible. So then, to be clear, your point isnt that gay men are more likely to wear condoms. I dont see anything wrong with his points. He does have a responsibility towards this baby, whether he likes it or not. You have to give up one or the other. reader, yelyah77+, writes (16 April 2009): A April 9, 2012, 12:13 pm. It is never said in the letter that he didnt, and the apparent assumption is that, since the woman said she was on the pill, he must not have used one. You have no say whatsoever in this situation. Chuck(le) Offset Changes Instagram Avatar to Takeoff Photo After His Death. If there is no child at conception Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. Because last I checked, saying dramatic things like we cant bear to live without each other was reserved for 16-year-old fans of poorly-written vampire romances. It happens, some people are incredibly fertile. This is always the risk and Id wager 2% of people or less would actually take the time to ask anything about a potential pregancy before the stick gets dipped, My personal philosophy due to the current legal malarky is I need to know their standing on what happens if contraceptives fail and, if they would keep the child, is the person somebody I could see myself staying withboth of those things usually require me to know someone longer than 2 mins., Not JUST due to the legal malarky..I was too focused on getting that word in. I hope your boyfriend will reconsider not being a part of this babys life. Ive been in the position where I chose to keep my baby when the father wanted to abort. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. For all the reasons stated in the comments, women just cannot be forced into motherhood quite like a man can be forced into fatherhood. Oh I completely agree! He doesnt want anything to do with his child? OH MY GOD!! 1. It means he or she will know their father, in a sense, and will also have the opportunity to believe that their father just simply didnt want to have anything to do with them. Drugs was just one theory to how she got that way. Posted Over 1 Month. In my opinion, even if the baby turns out to not be his, hes already shown his true colors; and theyre pretty yellow. These Are The 5 Signs Your Ex Is In A Rebound Relationship. Youre the one asserting that its only one sex that experiences unfairness. Men dont pay child support during gestation only when there is an actually living child is in the world that has physical needs. No one should be forced to abort a child, but no one should be forced to have one they do not want. Whatever. Because she accidentally got pregnant with his child? Everyone is in charge of their own decisions. A pregnancy, especially an unplanned one with no real relationship behind it is not a reason to stay together. Fix Your Communication Problem. They are calling him a scum for not taking any responsibility for happened, and they are calling the LW names for acting like her BF is a saint, and had nothing to do with making this baby. You sound awfully bitter to me. Gain some maturity and realize that you have no part in this decision, shes decided to keep the baby, shes the one who will be carrying the baby, raising the baby, etc Grow up LW and dump him. Commenters on most websites just depress me I dont bother reading them anymore. He didnt marry you. Heres how I interpreted it. This was even more of a scandal in a small town in the 70s than it would have been today, but she decided to keep the baby. They arent bad people because of it. He should have taken more precautions. make sure you use back up protection! IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) April 9, 2012, 9:58 am. And seriously what is with people having sex with people they cant stand clearly you could stand them long enough to bang them. Well, hey, point out the flaws in what I said, then. Or is she trying to get him to live up to his responsibilities (which he brought on himself when he had unprotected sex and got someone pregnant)? In the same situation currently. You and John are both arguing something that nobody else is. Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right?, And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters.. LW, your anger is misdirected. [The most dangerous place on Earth to live is in an American womans womb. As for the STDs nobody is saying that you shouldnt have sex because you could get them, they are saying that if you are going to have unprotected sex, and then sleep with a different person after that, you at the very least owe it to them, to tell them that you did this, and if they ask, you should get tested. bittergaymark If you support legal abortion, then you emphatically deny that men create children. Your welcome. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him? April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. female I completely agree. iseeshiny female If the childs mother fully intends to love and support and care for her child, and explain to him/her that their biological fathers lack of desire to be a dad or deficits has nothing to do with him/her that child will grow up no worse for wear. People have told me-on the "adult" forums-that I speak aggressively", but I don't mean it that way. Women can decide to abort the pregnancy or to give the child up for adoption, both of which are choices that remove any future obligation. I dont think a woman should ever have to have an abortion, but if the father decides early on that he doesnt want the child, I think he should have the same rights to get out of it as the woman does. You seem to put a lot of blame on her, but you do know that he was there too, right? Exactly; he sounds like a total loser, and how the hell would she ever be able to trust him going forward? bittergaymark AndreaMarie How about equal right for, you know, everyone? The pull out method? Wrong. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. bittergaymark It doesnt sound like hes ready to be a one-woman man and get married (let alone start a family), and it doesnt sound like the LW is entirely willing and able to deal with being with a man who has fathered a child that isnt theirs. You are indiscriminate in your partner choice and/or birth control? If she did not use protection with him, or ask him to get tested when they got back together, that is no fault of his, imo. Why, my God, you could have hit a chid running out in the street. I think hes an asshole for sleeping with a woman he cant stand without using a condom. I just feel that they are, at times, the least bad solution. Then the unlikely happens. Boy, for someone who cant live without you, he sure didnt wait to go out and sleep with someone else! If a woman has sex with a man she should be prepared for the fact that it could result in her under going a medical proceedure, be it an abortion or childbirth. The baby will be due right in the middle of the semester. He didnt invest in your relationship. I think Dan Savage an Santorum have some sexual tension though. Its fucking unfair. So sad that anyone would think its even necessary to implement such a system. The research on on-again/off-again couplesthose that break up and get back together multiple timesindicates that some of the most common reasons for getting back together with an ex include . And it will need a mother and a father. Where exactly do you live? This attitude that men become slaves the instant a girl gets pregnant is actually very crazy, in my opinion. I could hypothesize all day and comment on all kinds of things that might be happening but theres enough crap in this letter that it hardly seems necessary to make any up. Considering how often it is done on daytime television, I am shocked to find out that a paternity test is so damn hard to procure. Steve- The law doesnt say theres no child at conception. Someone else has assumed it. Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. female It says there is no child at conception. 2. Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation. But it is a result of a legal system that prioritizes the needs of children over fairness to the parents. They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, clickHERE! I dont doubt that Sure Baby, I love you. April 11, 2012, 2:00 am, John Rohan Welp, he didnt run after you, and instead he ran to another woman for comfort and now she is pregnant. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. How quickly (or slowly) he got into a new relationship after your breakup. April 10, 2012, 6:43 pm. Theres many reasons besides wanting a mans money to not get an abortion. Seriously? 6napkinburger She told him she got pregnant on the pill, which I think is a lot of cod wallopBut I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable. But for someone more causal, that isnt really there as much. Yeah, I believe that means he must be., I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating.. It takes two to tango my dear your boyfriend is as much to blame as this woman. Solved. He doesnt want to be with you. What would you tell your girlfriend or sister if they were in the same situation is always a good go-to. Id like to hear your explanation as to why that should not be the case. April 9, 2012, 12:49 pm. My ex and I broke up for the first time a year ago. I havent, and even though I am 110% pro-choice, Im not sure if its something I could actually do. Cookie Notice Susie and Jimmy find themselves in the same predicament only Jimmy is thrilled because hes enlisting and being deployed overseas. Fourth, this woman should run, not walk, from this dude. No, a responsible father who is involved in the childs life will get joint custody. Addie Pray If your girlfriend complains that you never take . A kid is not a building. He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. Glad to see youve really listened to fellow commentators, reflection on their contributions carefully and made a meaningful contribution to the DW community. I think this guy is a jerk not because he had sex with someone else when he was single, but because he is taking no responsibility for a life he created. You, Chuck, seem to think that this means that all women do that. But you are wrong for trying to force him to stay with someone just because of the child. This does sound like a lot of cod wallop and baby malarky shenanigans to me as well. she's a real bitch. Hey, honey, I thought you had control over your bodies? Honestly, I see unfairness in the current system too, but I dont see how you could look out for the best interests of children while simultaneously making everything 100% fair for both mother and father. Not only to prevent babies but to protect yourself from STDs. original. The guy and the woman had sex. You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. Hes obligated to financially support the baby, which he is willing to do. Comparing your own experience to other people's. If you and your partner don't feel like you're getting the love you deserve, one of you could cheat. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? Oh boy. Yes everyone went bonkers. Its HERS, but it does not properly belong to either one of the men. Life isnt fair. reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): A Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? Nope, none of it matters. Its the law. Its fucking simple. Sure. He said this is not gonna ruin us, but Im unsure. They shouldnt just play house for the sake of the kid. reader, TELLULAH+, writes (25 January 2008): A Watch your language young lady! lets_be_honest She seems proud of his bad-boy ways and his current claim that she is the only woman who can tame him into marriage. He wants to get back with the LW (again, apparently) Steve Kellmeyer April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. She has to go through a pregnancy no matter what (assuming she doesnt believe in abortion). I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I mean, seriously. While I grant you that the lack of control for men once a pregnancy occurs is, in a sense, unfair, I think there is unfairness on both sides of the issue. He ejaculates thats it. His right to bang someone without protection could end badly and in this case it did. Your 40-year-old ex-boyfriend sounds like an immature, irresponsible, whiney person. Also, I dont understand why you spend your whole letter insulting her instead of him. Adoption is a completely different matter. -Got her pregnant I would MUCH rather this guy walk away now then be stuck with a screaming baby he doesnt care for and end up throwing it off a bridge. April 10, 2012, 4:51 pm. It is amazing to me to see the vitriol that men are carrying on with talking about paying money towards the health and well being of a child that they helped create. She should think long and hard about that reason and not take her former bf back. Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids.